I was inspired to write this blog tonight, by the Carper Family from Anchor Point, Alaska.
Unfortunately, at the age of 28, I've learned all too quickly of what that chalky, sawdust-like taste of the "breakfast routine" tastes like. I'm not a stranger to it, either -- in fact I learned at the age of 17. Though, I was lucky enough to bounce out of that by the time I was 18. I lucked out... until now that is.
The thought of my existence consisting of a white (so lightly blonde) haired little boy who was innocent once long ago, prior to this cancer experience brought tears to my eyes. I'll never experience that care-free feeling again. But that is all part of life, right?
With the most regret, I hate to say, I could have prevented this latest bout with cancer. If I had only listened to my mother and ate better. If I had only listened to my friends and went out and had more fun. If I had only listened to myself... I would have not let the business I called LB Productions hit me so close to home... I could have escaped. But I didn't, and I let it sink, sink so deep that I kept moving forward. The thinking was is that I'd move so far I could become more successful and provide jobs in the community. But what did I do? I ran myself into the ground. I listened when I should have listened to myself. I let everyone and everything that walked through my door walk into my soul. I am learning and I have learned. Life, the stress -- it's all not worth it. I was given offers of 'opportunity' and I was told not to refuse. I should have. I was only struck deeper. Finally after all of this, right on the cusp of becoming ill again, I listened, to myself, for once. On a hot August evening I listened to my roommate and ultimately my soul. I made a move that would turn things upside down. It was a quick and miscalculated move. A move that I'm finally digging out of--one that I am learning from. I feel as if I am working back to when I was that little white-haired boy. I don't want to have worries any longer. As an adult, I will have them, always, but I no longer want the big worries, like cancer, money and God knows what else.
Thanks to the Carpers, my friends, and my family for helping me move forward, even if technically it means I'm moving backward.
-LB
P.S. Carpers: you know all too well about the sawdusty pill taste, I think you better follow me back to the worry-free days of childhood :-)
2 comments:
I remember this picture day! I think you were right in front of me for pictures, but I remember the woman helping the photographer kept wanting to glue everyone's hair down so it didnt' stick up at all, and neither your hair or mine would do what she wanted it to. Funny to think how long ago that was! a little scary too, hehe. Hard to think that at that time we would have had any idea where life would take us, or what challenges we would face along the way, but that's what its all about though, the stuff that happens and how we rise with it. Keep on keeping on! :) Alicia
Oh, carper family email is bccarper@hotmail.com :)
Charlotte here - I have a new movement I have started in my circle of influence..... Here's how it works....
If you are going to take responsibility for giving yourself cancer (as in, it's your fault you didn't slow down and you didn't eat right, and you stressed yourself out), then you get to take responsibility to cure yourself.
In other words, if you have that kind of power in the universe that you can make yourself this sick than you need to use that same power to cure yourself.
If, on the other hand, you can say, well God is testing me and my family again and I will do my best, but realize in the end that God is in control, then you can stop beating yourself over the head with the guilt stick and just concentrate on relaxing and letting the medicine work.
It probably sounds harsh in these terms, when I first came up with this line it was with a family member who had given control of their life to another person and I said, HEY, if YOU gave them the control, YOU are the person to take it back.
So, to increase the power of your meds, stop beating yourself up and feeling like you gave yourself cancer. YOU DID NOT cause this. You did not want this... so be nice to yourself, 501 Jeans. You'll be busy enough fighting the disease, you don't need to be fighting yourself, too. K?
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