The Dependence

I write tonight in a totally different focus, one of positive thoughts and a hopeful future. This is something a week ago tonight, I could tell you was very different, in fact it was bleak.

Over the past six months I have been treated for pain as a result of my Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma which reappeared on my right foot last summer. Through radiation this past fall, a lot of healing, and a lot of rest, I can now tell you I am cancer free once again in my life. It should be normally be a time for celebration but it has actually been a time of depression. Recently, I went off the pain medication, because I no longer had pain... but what I didn't realize is... I had a dependence. It was like I had been day dreaming for the past six months and then woke up to a cold cruel reality -- or at least that is what I thought it was. However, it was not, it was a huge ugly depression which set in as my body was looking for the pain medication. I spent day after day sleeping, thinking the world was a terrible place -- in fact one thought of how life wasn't even worth living anymore. No, not taking my own life, but definitely found myself evaluating why I was even living. I knew this was because of the withdrawals, but no matter how many times I told myself it was because of that and only that, I felt like I was at rock bottom. Symptoms like sweating, trembling, and feeling cold were very common for me. After talking to my family, I knew I had to seek help, and that I did this past Tuesday where I met my new physician in Stayton, Oregon. Recommended to me by my friend Linda, this doc was incredibly thorough and caring about the situation and helped me develop a plan to rid myself of this awful dependence. It involves putting me back on a "trickle" of what I was on for the pain medication along with another prescription.

Also notably, I was kept "afloat" during my downtime by phone calls to my family and my local Salem friends.

I can tell you now here at the end of the week I am a new man, and oddly enough I am happier than I've been since before becoming ill with the cancer. I don't think I've felt this good for a couple of years. I feel renewed and very hopeful of my outlook.

One thing I've learned from all this, how powerful drugs can be, and how I don't want to be dependent on them. Here's to the happier and wonderful days ahead :-)

-LB