Hope

It actually happened. I survived. I stepped out of the vicious circle. I'm not a hero. I'm not a victim. I am simply a survivor.

What I am referring to is my dependence, which admittedly, I could now describe as sometimes borderline addiction to narcotics. For over seven months I needed them to survive or at least function normally. Not anymore.

Last Saturday I woke up some 48 hours after taking my last oxycontin feeling as if I was seeing the world in high-definition. That is the only way I can describe it. I could see colors, feel things, and smell like never before... but maybe I just forgot?

For seven long months, I felt fuzzy, sweaty, constipated (yes, that is what these drugs do to you), and most odd of all, swollen. I found out as soon as I went off that they were making me retain water... how crazy is that? I immediately lost pound after pound of water, seeing my body shrink almost overnight. But, let's not get too excited -- I didn't get skinny, just less fat.

Oh, but coming off this medication didn't come without a lot of pain and discomfort. The first few days were total hell. I was hot, then cold, then depressed, then cold and depressed. Tired, but not able to sleep. Much of it felt as if I had influenza. Even a week later, I still feel anxiety and inconsistent energy. Though, what I can tell you most about the energy is that I am having trouble sleeping whereas before I couldn't stay awake.

Despite all of that, I am starting to feel good again. My mental health is improving more importantly. It as if I have finally woken up from this horrible nightmare which has easily been the worst seven months of my life.

It's nice to be back, I've missed you.

-LB